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Promising to end unemployment, protect Israel and Jews, and get rid of troublemakers and other rabble all at the same time, GOP Presidential Candidate Newt Gingrich today unveiled his latest big idea: Establishment of a penal colony on the moon.
“Think of it,” Gingrich suggested, “NASA currently has no real mission, and thousands of space engineers and scientists are out of work. An exciting and adventurous project to build up a gigantic penal colony on the moon is just what the doctor ordered to spur Florida’s moribund economy and give America’s citizenry a renewed sense of purpose.”
“Fantastic idea,” Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano was quoted as saying in a press release. “We here in Washington, D.C. have already prepared an extensive list of potential terrorists who can be rounded up and shipped to the moon.”
Right-Wingers and Racists to be Incarcerated at Lunar Colony
When asked for the type of prisoners the penal colony would be populated with, Napolitano cited, “the growing ranks of right-wing conservatives who continually play the ‘race card’ and bash President Obama’s humanitarian social programs.”
“Tea Party radicals, they’re probably the most dangerous of groups to be included,” she explained, “but there’s also room on the moon for the terribly confused men and women who have protested and cried out, ‘End the Fed!’”
“The anti-abortion crowd are also top candidates for incarceration,” Napolitano said, “and the horrible mobs who are homophobic—they definitely would fit in at prisons of the new penal colony.”
At the Justice Department, Attorney-General Eric Holder listed gun owners, white supremacists, and people who celebrate Christmas as likely to be sent to the moon.
ADL’s Foxman: “Deliriously Happy”
ADL Executive Director Abe Foxman says he is “deliriously happy” at the prospect that a special wing of the lunar prison system might be set up for anti-Semites. “Jew-haters deserve the worst treatment of all,” Foxman angrily suggested. “They’re everywhere, too. My friends at the Southern Poverty Law Center and the Holocaust Museum sadly report that up to 98.7 percent of the whole population are anti-Semites. Imagine—98.7 percent are Jew haters. Now, thanks to Speaker Gingrich’s fabulous idea, we can rid the planet of these despicable vermin.”
Foxman said that on the lunar surface, Homeland Security should build a huge concentration camp modeled on the Nazis’ killing factory at Auschwitz. “I relish the idea of the tens of millions of Jew-haters being brought in as never-ending cargoes on NASA slave space capsules where they would be greeted by a butch homo Jewish commandant dressed in black leather. A six-pointed star flag of Israel would be flying proudly in the center of the new lunar death camp. New methods of execution, varying from directed nanoinjections to intensive taser ray bolts could be experimented on the goyim.”
President Obama Praises, “Idiot Gingrich”
At the White House, President Barack Obama was quoted as exclaiming, “Finally a brilliant and workable idea from the idiot Gingrich. And the Republicans obstructionists in the Senate and House can’t block this one. If they try, the Israeli lobby will crucify them.”
Israel’s Netanyahu: “Inspired Genius”
In Tel Aviv, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu hailed Newt Gingrich’s penal colony proposal as “inspired genius.”
“This will once and for all solve our Palestinian problem. We continue to advocate a ‘two-state solution’ to the Palestinian problem. But, thank Yahweh, we now envision that second state, the Republic of Palestine, as being erected on the moon.”
Gingrich Thanks Casino Mogul for Support, Assails Ron Paul
Back in Florida, former House Speaker and now Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told a large, admiring throng of enthusiastic, pro-Zionist and Pro-Israel worshippers at Orlando’s First Baptist Church, “I am extremely gratified that my opponents, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorium, have signed on to my latest grandiose and magnificent proposal to establish a penal colony on the moon’s surface. I especially appreciate my good friend, benefactor, and co-lover of Zionist Israel, Las Vegas gambling casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. Thank you, Sheldon, for the additional 50 million bucks you have given. What a rush of adrenaline that is to my campaign!”
Candidate Newt expressed his dismay at Congressman Ron Paul’s rejection of the Speaker’s plan for a penal colony on the moon. “That’s why they call Paul ‘Dr. No,’” sneered Gingrich. “He’s opposed every positive idea progressive Republicans have introduced in Congress since the Coolidge and Hoover eras.”
“That is also why,” Gingrich told the cheering crowd of exuberant evangelicals, “I am proposing that the Ron Paulites be among the first to be chosen for the one-way trip to the moon.” “Their ranks are ever growing, these Ron Paul crazies,” said Gingrich, “and the only way to save America and insure a capitalist future for the world is to send them away to the moon to be locked away in padded cells.” “I know my good friend, Ronald Reagan, would have approved,” Gingrich said.
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