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Texe Marrs

Bush Daughters Volunteer for Military Service in Iran

In a shocking move White House officials say is designed to quell the growing sentiment against his failed War on Terror, President George W. Bush announced today he was authorizing the formation of a historic new U.S. Army combat unit, to be called the Paris Hilton-Britney Spears Brigade.

From the Oval Office, the nationís Chief Executive pre-empted all four major TV networks' prime time programs to make the startling announcement. "I am pleased to report," said a smiling Mr. Bush, "that my own two daughters, Barbara and Jenna, being very foxy and of military age, have volunteered 
Bush daughters Jenna and Barbara are eager to fight Iranian Moslem hordes (photo courtesy of
to serve in the Paris Hilton-Britney Spears Brigade. They will, at 5:00 am tomorrow morning, report to Fort Hood, Texas for training in small arms fire and nuclear bomb body protection. Both will proudly wear army green and carry a M-16 in this great and never-ending struggle against Mohammed Ata, Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Ladin, that Zarqawi guy, Achadinejad Chavez, David Duke, Al Franken, that Cindy Sheehan slut and whoever else the Moslems or Democrats put in their way."

"Whoever is not with my daughters is against them," Bush warned.

Bush daughter Jenna shows off the physical prowess she intends to use tackling the Iranian swine (photo courtesy of

To add to the overwhelming war drama, famous Hollywood agent to the stars, Jeff Gannonstein, reported that entertainers Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are abandoning their many festive parties and galas and will report promptly for military duty.

Paris Hilton says she's dead serious about fighting against the terrorists, the Dixie Chicks, the Sopranos or "whoever else is opposed to the American way of life." (photo courtesy of Wikipedia)
"Itís the least we can do," said a smiling Paris, outside a LA nightclub, blinking from the spray of paparazzi camera lights focused on her. "After all, the Pentagon has named this battalion or squadron or whatever it is after us. We want to serve our country by nuking a bunch of Moslem Imams, Nicole Richey, the Dixie Chicks, or maybe even some Korean gangsters or that Soprano guy."

Ms. Spears, from her mansion in Beverly Hills, also expressed her own unique brand of patriotism by promising that, if she was going to become the head of her own Army division, platoon or barracks, she would learn some new dance steps and might even agree to wear panties under her military fatigue pants. "Whatever it takes," said Britney, "Iím willing to sacrifice and do, as long as Kevin Federline isnít allowed within 1,000 feet of me."

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates applauded the bold, new move, saying, "the President has outdone himself on this one. Itís brilliant."

Mr. Gates and the DOD further announced that the military services would immediately begin calling up millions of draft age youth (ages 18 to 70) to serve alongside Paris, Britney and the two Bush girls in uniform.

Britney Spears will do her country proud, leading a patriotic new generation of youth down the yellow brick road to war against the fearsome "terrorists" of 911 infamy. (photo courtesy of AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian, File)

"We know these 21st century kids are just dying for the opportunity to give up their college classes, their dates with sexy "gone wild" cheerleaders, their Sony play stations, and their and go sailing off on a fantastic adventure to the dreamy Mediterranean beaches of western Iran," said Gates.

"As a former Texas Aggie, I applaud this wholesome, new "The Gap" generation and what it stands for," said the enthusiastic Pentagon Chief.

"And wonít those Bush girls look patriotic and cute in their dress greens?," Gates smiled.

Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Taj Mahal Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey says that Donald Trump is talking to his daughter and son in anticipation of their serving in Iran as well.

"Iím trying to get them all fired up," said Donald, "Military training will serve them well in future conflicts back here at home against the likes of Rosie OíDonnell."

The Presidentís eye-opening move seems to have taken the Democrats in Congress by surprise. But not to be outdone, New York Senator Hillary Clintonís says that, having heard the news, her daughter, Chelsea Clinton, "is eagerly chomping at the bit to serve breast-to-breast with Paris and Britney."

Reportedly, even the old man, former President Bill Clinton, is considering enlisting.

"If Paris, Britney, and those two cute Bush hotties are going to be there with me in Baghdad and Teheran, count me in!" said the ex-President. "This is a heckuva lot snazzier than Vietnam would have been," an excited Mr. Clinton commented.

Even the nationís news corps is getting into the sea change of patriotic enlistments. Former draft dodger Neocons Shaun Hannity and Rush Limbaugh say that military service is suddenly attractive.

"Eighty-thousand Oxycontins smoothly sliding down my throat wonít compare with the 
Rush Limbaugh says serving in the Paris Hilton-Britney Spears Brigade will be more thrilling than stuffing 80,000 Oxycontin pills down his gullet. (photo courtesy of
thrill of serving alongside Paris and Britney," said El Rushmo. "Sign me up for action!"

"Wow, this is great stuff," said Shaun Hannity, at Fox News studio in New York. "What a great Republican President we have in George W. Bush. Why, heís better than Eisenhower, Nancy Reagan, Ford, and Gorbachev all combined."

"And thatís not propaganda," said Hannity. "After all, here at Fox, weíre fair and balanced. We report, you decide."

Texe Marrs commentary: Too bad, isnít it, that this is a spoof? Wouldnít it truly be wonderful to see all these pampered, rich, spoiled brats serving their country in military uniform? Instead, the Hiltons, the Bushes, Cheneys, Limbaughs, Clintons and Hannitysóevery one of themóare draft dodgers or military evaders. So today, mainly the poor and underprivileged serve and die in the Armed Forces. If weíre going to foolishly keep fighting these unnecessary, inhumane pre-emptive wars, them Iím in favor of a fair draft system. Yes, draft every 18-24 year old, no exception, no favoritism. But, donít worry: Believe me, the 565 wealthy lawyers and other bums who sit in Congress wonít ever enact such a draft. They donít want themselves and their rich, silver-spoon in the mouth kids to have to go to war. Let the poor white kid from Appalachia, the black kid from the Ghetto, or the Mexican-American from the barrio. Itís O.K. for them to bleed and die!

Courtesy of; by Tom Tomorrow

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